MELODRAME MAD! 



OR THE 



Js>tege of Crop* 

A NEW 

Comic, Pathetic, Historic, Anachronasmatic, Ethic, Epic 
MELANGE, . 

c « fullof aoleful nuttf) anU rtj$)t merrte concert." 



The Situations and Sentiments from Mr. HOMER, a blind old Ballad-singer — 
one SHAKSPEARE, a Warwickshire Deer-stealer — the Language of the 
Gods from A POPE — and many of the Songs are GAY. The ancient Music 
from some of the greatest Lyres of the earliest ages — the modern Compo- 
sitions by Arne, Arnold, Attwood, Bishop, Dibdin, Reeve, Shield, Sanderson, 
&c. — the new Music by Mr. Erskine. The Scenery taken from several Sp»t« 
of Greece (and Troy); the Artists being prevented, by our present Neutrality, 
from attending the Siege, have left the task of Invention and Execution to 
the talents of Mr. Wilson, assisted by his Pupils H. Wilson, C. R. Dibdin, Arc. 
The Dresses, a la Grec, from the classic Scissars and Needles of Mr. Bi ett 
and Miss Freelove. The Machinery by Ben Johnson the Carpenter. The 
Decorations by A/tists described hereafter. The Dances by Mr. Giroux? — 
The Heroic Action and Processions under the direction of Mr. Ridgway. 



FIRST PERFORMED 

AT THE SURREY THEATRE, 

MONDAY, JUNE 21, 1819. 
By THOMAS DIBDIN. 



LONDON: 

PRINTED FOR JOHN MILLER, BURLINGTON ARCADE, 
PICCADILLY; 



1819. 



Cfjaracterg. 



MODERN MORTALS. 

Major Dennis Murphy, an Hibernian Author, Mr. ADCOCK; 

Mr. Mac Classic, a Caledonian Critic, Mr. FAWCETT; 

Squire Caradoc Ap Truncheon, a Cambiian Manager, Mr. WATKINS ; 

Whipstitch, a Yorkshire Wardrobe-keeper, Mr. Frith; 

Mr. Glib, an English Box-Book and Housekeeper, Mr. FITZ WILLI AM ; 

Mrs. Quotem, Housekeeper of the Theatre, Mrs. BROOKS ; 

Mrs. Pinbody, Assistant in the Ladies' Wardrobe, Miss BENCE. 

CELESTIALS. 

Jnniter Mr. CLIFFORD ; Mercury, Mr. LEONARD ; Momus, Mr. LEE ; 

Vulcan, Mr. GIBBON ; Bacchus, Mr. JONAS ; Mars, Mr. BRUNTON ; 

Juno, Mrs. Gomersat.j Minerva, Mrs. Bartletf; Venus, Miss E.Pitt; 

Thetis, Miss S. Pin; Iris, Miss Bologna; Ceres, Miss Taller. 

Demi Gods, Godlikins, Sec. by an invisible Chorus. 

ANCIENT MORTALS-GREEKS. 

Agamemnon, by Major Dennis MURPHY ; 

Achilles, by Squire Caradoc AP TRUNCHEON; 

Ulysses, by Mr. MAC CLASSIC : Nestor, by Mr GIBBON ; 

Menelau*, Mr. GOMERY ; Thelites, Mr GLIB ; 

Pat , oclus, Mr. B ARTLETT ; Ajax, Mr. W ALKER ; Smon, Mr. MORLE Y. 

Helen, Wife of Menelaus, Miss COPELAND ; Nurse, Mrs. SMITH; 

Greek Virgins. Mrs. Meyer, Miss Treelove, &c. &c. 

Ttle'r addititioual Choristers, from the Theatre Royal, Drury-lane. 

TROJANS. 

Priam, Mr. GILBERT; Hector, Mr. HUNTLEY ;£r£M, WYATT ; 

jEneas Mr. GIROUX ; Laocoon, Mr. RIDGWAY 

AofhiL,' Mr. JAMESON; Troilos, M, SIMPSON ; 

Lavcoderonimons Sc Vickeryminos, T™/, Trojans, Mr. LEE, M,. FRITH, 

Astyanax, Son of Hector, Miss R. ADCOCK. , 

Aseanius,S««o/^ne«B, MissFAWCETT; 

Laocoo„tides& Serfentinominons, Sons of Laocoon, Masters G. & R. R.dgway, 

C^« S o,7r»Ja»Car u(ri ,-Mes S rs.White,Cross,Pitt,Dre W eU,Seymour )& c. 

Heeoba,««»«f T«W, Mrs.GOMERSAL; 

Cassandra, Daughter of Prtek (a meMramaticaUy mad l*****™- 

LXGOKS ; Andromache, Wife of Hector, Mrs. BRY AN i , 

Creusa, Wife of Mams, Miss PITT. 

7, .ia* firemen-Messrs. Bucket, Hose, Badge, Pipes, Pump, Engine, &c. 



V X ts * VELOCIPEDES. 

Tv* Messrs. Smith, Wheelwright, Carpenter, Axle, Nave, Felly, Spokes, &e. 
NEITHER GREEKS NOR TROJANS. 
Chryseis, Prisoner to Agamemnon, Miss BENCE. 
Bryseis, Prisoner to Achilles, Miss JONAS. 

ALLEGORIC A LS. 

Genii of the Fire-Offices — Phoenicia, Solina, Aquila, Britannia, Imperatricia, 

Sociabilia, Norwichina, Esperanza, Firmosa, Maternia, Caryatidina — by 

Misses Deal, Canvas, Pasteboard, Vermillion, Lake, &c. 

PROPERTIES. 

Two Great Snakes, by Mr. Morris and Mrs. Freelove — A Big Horse, 

by Mr. Brush — An Eagle, Pelican, and Phoenix, by Mr. Featherman — 

Battering Rams, &c. by Mr. Slingsby — A Sun, by Mr. Solis— The Grand 

Conflagration, by Mr. Burney. 

DRAMATIC UNITY. 

Of PLACE London, Olympus, the Greek Camp and Troy. 

TIME- — Ten Years to conclude by half-past Eight o' Clock. 



NEW SCENERY. &c. 



Act I.— PARLOUR IN LONDON, 

(Almost as good as new — a Window repaired and the Floor well scoured. J 

New mode of casting a Melodrame. 

OLYMPUS, (rather cloudy but clearing off)-— 

Caelestial Conviviality and Party Politics as described in the Iliad; 

GREEK FLEET and CAMP, 
With the OLD WALLS of TROY (Bran new.) 

GRECIAN MILITARY PROCESSION and Entre of Trojan Cavalry. 

Ceremony of an ancient Challenge. 
Grand Choral Parody on " The Chough and the Crow," composed by Biihop. 

Act II.-.TENT OF ACHILLES, 

(From the Bombardment of Algiers) converted from Mahomet to Paganism. 

" The Soldier tir'd," after a new Fashion, by Four Ladies, Mr. Fitzwilliam, 

and a Band of Musical Myrmidons. 

HELENS'S BOUDOIR, (positively its First Appearance.) 
VIEW NEAR THE CITY; 

BATTLE (" not quite but very nearly) according to Homeric description. 

€$e ©teat ^orge. 

SUPERB INTERIOR OF TROY. 

Flaming Conflagration, and Ruins of the City : 

With a salutary and moral dramatic Warning to all Owners of Cities, 
Mansions, &c. to insure their Property in the 

BRILLIANT TEMPLE OF SECURITY. 



MELODRAME MAD; 

OR THE 

^lege of Crop. 

'■i__jL—L-LJ-mmmmamimmn»-w-m ~ — — -~ ~ —~ n «■ imiMnrnr 

ACT I 
■ SCENE L 
A Chamber in a Theatre. 
Enter Mrs. Quotem, Whipstitch, and Mrs. Pinbody. 

Mrs. Quo. Ladies, you speak truth ; the work of a 
theatre, as Ben Jonson says, is never done — and 
since I have been housekeeper here, no one ever saw 
any thing like it— one new piece after another may be 
easy work enough for the poor devil of a poet, who has 
nothing to do but to write—but the trouble it gives 
us, as Messenger says, is a bore. 

Mrs. Pinb. I don't see how it can make much dif- 
ference to you, Mrs. Quotem, but we poor dressers 
find a sad plague of it. 

Whip. Aye, and so do we tailyers, Mistress Pin- 
body— that Shakespeare was a muckey chap, I mean, 
he as wrote Pizarro, and Don Jovanni ; he gives us 
more trouble than all the rest. 

Mrs. Quo. You're an ignoramus, as Cervantes has 
it — Pizarro was written by O'KeefTe. 

Mrs. Pinb. Well, and who has written the Squeege 
of Troy, as we're to have a drest rehearsal of? 

Whip. Aye, who indeed ? The Trojan dresses are all 
Greek to me. 

B 



2 

Mrs. Quo. The Greek princesses wore little or 
nothing, so our ladies may go on in their own clothes. 
— Well, well; these civil broils keep us on a gridiron, 
as Hotway says, and hardly leaves us time to eat a 
mutton chop. 

Whip. And I'se sure I can't take a drop of comfort 
but what it's interrupted by a Mellow Dram. 

Mrs. Quo. Aye, aye, the folks are all Melodrame 
mad, I think. 

Mrs. Pinb. Here comes Mr. Glib, the Box-office 
gentleman. 

Mrs. Quo. He looks as if he had no room, by his 
being so cross ; when business is bad, he's as civil 
as a hackney coachman on a moonlight night. 

Mrs. Pinb. And he's a great Cricket into the 
bargain. 

Whip. Aye, that is he— he says the author o' th' 
last new Pantomime, is better than big Ben Johnson, 
by a back row in every box i' th' house. 

Enter Glib, with a Box Plan. 

Glib. Who talks of Johnson with a voice so sweet? 
—Harlequin Ticklepitcher, or Little Jack Horner 
shall beat him, I bet the whtAe half price to a half- 
penny. 

Mrs. Quo. Has the new piece merit, as Hudibras 
has it? 

Whip. Be it for fancy dresses, or modern Dandy? 

Mrs. Pinb. Plain skirts or flounces ? 

Glib. Hey day ! be your intents wicked or charitable, 
you come in such a questionable shape that I will 
answer you — look — lo — behold! — (Opens his box 
Plan.) — My box book here will shew the merits of 
the piece ;— it's lower circle is cramm'd with charac- 
ter, its middle tier uncommonly interesting, and every 
upper row full of tip top company. 

Mrs. Quo. And it ends in the Lodowhiskey style, 
with a flaming catastrophe, as Burney says. 

Glib. Here comes our manager with a flaming ca- 
tastrophe ; when his Welch blood's up, he's as hot as 
a centre box on a benefit night— out of the way, don't 



be seen idling here — clear the house— always happy 
to accommodate, but have no room at present — not a 
place vacant — dear me, sir, what's the matter ? You 
look as fiery as the fittings up of a Royal box. 

Ap T. The life of a manager, look you, is full of 
anxieties and fears, and fidgets and perplexities ; we 
are going to rehearse as pretty a piece of patchwork 
as you shall desire to see, and three or four of my 
first gentlemen, and two of my first ladies have sent 
excuses, and the author, Mr. Dennis Murphy, and 
his friend Mr. Mac Classic, the critic, are coming to 
see it rehearsed ; so go and make hastes and hurries, 
and bid them be ready — Mrs. Pinbody, you must go 
on the stage and assert, look you 

Mrs. Finb. Dear sir, I'll even condescend to be a 
goddess, for the good of the house. [Exit. 

Ap T. Mr. Whipstitch, you must dress yourself 
and help. 

Whip. Nay, if I must disgrace my family by ganging 
on to th' stage, I mun ha somebody else to dress me, 
I'll awarn you. [Exit. 

Ap T. Mrs. Quotem, you must do your part, and 
play the mad Cassandra, and hang yourself. 

Mrs. Quo. I'll be Ophelia, Meg Merrilies, Mad 
Bess, and Crazy Jane, in one— multum in parvo, as 
BickerstafT says. [Exit. 

Ap T. And we shall want you, Mr. Glib. 

Glib. Always happy to accommodate the public — 
I fly, sir : Oh, here's the author. 
Enter Dennis. 

Dennis. Mr. Glib, wou'd you be after putting 
down a box for my wife for the first night of Tom 
Hickathrift ? (Goes up to Ap T.) 

Glib. Full to the lobbies, sir. (Enter Mac Classic) 
Always happy to ah, Mr. Mac Classic — 

M' Classic. Mester Glib, din just wanting a wee 
bet boxy for that play o' our immortal bard's, 
which— 

Glib. Sir, you may have every box in the house — 
if any thing better occurs, my man shall bring you 
word. Alwajs happy to accommodate the public. 

[Exit. 



. Jp T. It is creat honours and condescensions* 
look you, Major Dinnis Murphy, that a gentleman 
Of your country and warlike profession should write 
for my house. 

Den. No condescension, in life; the pen is as 
honourable as the sword, and if one was never dipp'd 
m the ink of ill nature, ther'd be very little need of 
the other. You have both read my bit of nonsense 
there, and though its a sort of Mad Melodrame, I'll 
just ax you whether there's a line in it to hurt the 
feelings of a friend, strengthen a prejudice against 
the unfortunate, or call a blush into the cheek of 
a female. 

M'Uas. I'll be domn'd if there is. 
Ap T. I shall pray you not to swear. 
Den. And now, Gintlemen, I'll give you my rea- 
sons for writing, in three words. 

Ap T. Figuratively and metaphorically, I presume, 
or three words will not suffice. 

Den. In the first place I have the honour to be the 
father of a wife and six beautiful children. 

M'Clas. I've my doubts o' that, unless your daugh- 
ter was married. 

Den. I mane, I've the honour to be husband of six 
fine children, and a beautiful wife. 

Ap T. Passion of hur heart — it is incomprehen- 
sipilities. 

y Den. When I was an Insign, I never heard the 
rustling of the silk upon my flag, but I thought of the 
ladies, and having fought my way to a large family 
and half pay, I must carry on the war somehow in 
time of pace ; and now you know my motives, how 
d'ye like my manuscript ? 

M'Ctas. The subject being the Siege of Troy — 
Ap T. Is fitting and correspondent to the feelings 
©f a soldier. 
Den. To be sure it is. 

M'Clas. Hoot mon— ye put me oot; the subject 
being the Siege of Troy, ye begin w' an anachronasm 
or blunder in limine, at the vara out set. Why, man^ 
heme's a Grecian chief in a sentry box smoking a 
pipe o' tobacco. 



5 

Den. (gravely} The stage, sir, should reflect men 
and manners, not only as they are, but as they ought 
to be ; and if the Greeks had been warmed with a whif 
and a whiskey-bottle, the siege would have been set- 
tled in a single campaign. 

Ap T. But with submissions and humilities, you 
have introduced a Trojan Chronicle, and a Greek 
Gazette, with official accounts of the pattle. 

Den. And wou'd you destroy the grand stimulus to 
a haro's actions — doesn't he rush into battle with the 
inspiring idea that his father and his mother, and his 
friend or his wife, or the girl of his heart will rade in 
the Gazette how Insign O'Shocknessy, or Major 
Macclutterbuck distinguished himself, and extin- 
guished the enemy ? 

M'Clas. Weel, weel, but your introduction o£ 
modern artillery? 

Den. The artillery will go off very well if you'll 
let it alone. 

Ap T. And there were no firemen or fire engines at 
the Siege of Troy? 

Den. More the pity — for if ould Priam had been 
insured — 

M'Clas. "Where wad yer play ha been ? 

Den. In the fire, honey, instead of the city. Are 
the scanes all ready ? 

Ap T. Aye, and as peautiful as if they had been 
painted by Teniers. 

Den. Ten years was just the time of the Siege. 

M'Clas. And are the actors ready ? 

Ap T. All put three, and as I see no remedy^ 
I woud propose to undertake one of their characters, 
if you woud assist me with the other two, look you. 

Den. Oh by the powers, wou'd you play a Grecian 
haro with that Welch brogue ? 

M'Clas. A'm just thenking I coud gie ye a touch Q y 
that sly auld fox Ulysses brawley weel. 

Ap T. Passion of hur heart, XJlysses in broad 
Scotch. 

Den. I think I coud play one o the Agamimnons 
myself. 

M'Clas. Wi' that accent, Major ? 



6 



Den. You'll not persave the laste taste of the 
brogue when I've got my dress on— it will parfitly dis- 
guise me. 

Ap. T. I think I shall undertake the part of Achilles, 
he was as hot as a Welchman — the first scene you 
know, is a council of the Gods, which will give us 
time to dress — so we'll take one glass of success to 
the Siege, and then — 

Enter Glib. 

Glib. All ready, sir. 

Dennis. Indeed, sir, then make ready, present fire ! 



TRIO.— Tune, " Granawale" 

Dennis. We'll sing of a War, set on foot for a Toy, 

And of Homer, and Helen, and Hector, and Troy ; 
Where o'er Grecians, and Trojans, and Ladies you 

stumble, 
And of Devils and Gods make a very strange dumble. 
Sing botheroo, ditheroo, och my Joy, 
How nately they did one another destroy, 
Then hand round the whiskey, a bumper my boy, 
Here's long life and success to the Siege of Troy. 

All* Then hand round the, &c. 

Tune — " Of* noble race was Shenkin." 

Ap T. From the land of leeks and mountains, 

Since fate, so says her will is, 
Oh splutter huF nails, 
Hur come from Wales 
To play the great Achilles. 
jfal. Odds splutter hur nails, &c. 

Tunc—" The Highland Reel:' 

Glib. Come Greeks and Trojans, Soger Laddies, , 

March awa' wi' merry glee, 
Sandies, Taffies, Johnnies, Paddies, 
Now must ancient heroes be. 



Hector, Ajax, Menelaui, 
Priam and each gay old boy, 
Quickly come away and play us 
Homer's famous Siege of Troy ; 
Paris Helen, 
Fall pell niell in, 
Rank and Classic Scenes enjoy, 
Drummers rattle, 
Help the battle, 
And proclaim the Siege of Troy. [Exeunt. 



SCENE II. 

A Superb Cloud Palace on Mount Olympus — The 
Gods in Council. — Grand Flourish. 

Momus. (tipsey.) Pray let's adjourn — no more de- 
bating, pray 
I beg to move the order of the day 

Vulcan. Momus, you've drank till you are hardly 
steady, 
Besides the Goddesses say tea is ready. 

Mars. Then you may drink it — 

Jupiter. Silence ! 

Celestial states, immortal Gods give ear 
Hear our decree and reverence what you hear. 
That fix'd decree which not all fate can move, 
Which none shall alter 

Juno, entering with the other Goddesses. 

Except me, my love 
Ara't you ashamed all to sit sotting there 
Scarce able to support — 

Momus. Support the chair ! 

Min. Peace, Mummer ! scarcely able to look wise 
When nobler Mortals struggle for the prize 
Of love and valour — 

Jup. Well my dearest Pet (to Juno.) 
What hast thou there ? 



a 



Juno. I've brought the Greek Gazette 
Fresh from the office, see its ringing wet, 
And full of battle— read and understand — 

Momus. 111 thank you for it when its out of hand — 
Jup. Let Argus read it with his hundred eyes — 
Juno. He's lost his spectacles— 
Jup. Come give it me ; 

[reads 
Eh ! « Theatre Royal Ilion"— that's not it; 
" Wanted"--" Found"--" Lost"— Whereas— the 

deuce a bit 
Do I see " Price of Stocks, Deaths, nought on 

Earth 
But Bankrupts, Small talk, Marriages and Births, 

[snatching the paper. 
Momus. Here it is, attention — desperate fight, 
" Big Sam" and — no—" Troy Town" — yes, yes, that's 
right, 



Extract of a Letter from Lieut. General Achilles to 
his Excellency Sir Peter Patroclus, Master of the 
Ordnance. 

" Sir, 

I have the honour to apprise you for the in- 
formation of his Majesty, Agamemnon the Gene- 
ralissimo, that I last night dispatched a Corps of 
Velocipedes, under Brevet Major Triptolemus, sup- 
ported by a detachment of Myrmidons, while Captain 
Gnostic of the Royal Navy was ordered to favour 
the diversion, the waggon train of battering rams mov- 
ing in a correspondent direction — in short — the whole 
operation is fairly gazetted, and the Greeks have 
gained a complete victory." 

Momus. Beg leave to propose the hearth of Lieut. 
General Achilles, he'll be made a Field Marshal at last. 

[horns heard 
Jup. By Jove and that's myself! 



9 



Enter Mercury, blowing a horn, ivith another 
newspaper. 

Mer. Great news from Troy, its all Lombard-street 
to an egg-shell against the Greeks ; Achilles in a sulky 
fit has withdrawn from the Allies, and left Hector 
master of the field of battle. 

Momus. Beg leave to propose the health of Major- 
General Hector. 

Min. (snatches the Trojan paper, and tears it.) 
Thus perish all that gives Achilles pain. 

Venus, (snatches the other paper, and tears it.) 
That's kind of you, miss— there's your Greek Gazette, 
As full of stories —but no matter, [kneels.] Jove, 
'Tis Venus supplicates. O, royal sire ! 
Don't let these Grecian ruffians bear the belle. 
Dearest of daddies, ever just and wise, 
Down with the Greeks, and let the Trojans rise. 
Thetis, [kneels also.] O Jupiter ! don't listen to that 
puss ; 
Let Thetis for her son Achilles plead, 
Even the very Greeks have used him ill, 
And saucy Agamemnon ta'en away 
His prisoner Briseis. Then do hear, 
And grant my wish for what has Jove, I fear. 
Dearest of daddies, ever just and wise, 
Down with the Trojans, and let Greece arise; 
Jup. How happy I'd listen to either, 

And give both your heroes the sway; 
But since by the ears they're together, 
Why e'en let them fight for the day. 
Then Thetis and Venus be quiet, 
Nor kick up a dust in the sky, 
For here if you dare make a riot, 

The watch-house, you know, is close by. 
Juno. But I say, sir — 
Min. And I say — 
Jup. I say too, 

If with your noise I've any more to do, 

C 



10 



111 send for Holmes and Shergold.* What the deuce, 
Are we in Pluto's den— has hell broke loose ? 
Mark — when to weigh the cause I take my scales, 
And try whose lot shall prosper, or who fails, 
Should Troy go up, or weightier Greece go down, 
No baggage here shall look, or wink, or frown; 
No ; nor shall any dare step off to earth, 
To take a part in mortal quarrels. Mark, 
Mercury, read our rules ; and, Ladies, hark. 

Mer. (reads.) " If any God or Goddess goes out of 
bounds without leave, they— — " 

Momus (in his sleep.) Shall forfeit twopence. 

Jup. Peace, brute ! Go on. 

Mer. " If any God or Goddess assist either con- 
tending party, or even, by way of encouragement, 
shall dare to say " 

Momus (ivaking.) 

Here's to you, Mr. Wiggins, 
And here's to you, Mr. Spriggins, 
Let us push the beer about. 

Jup. Silence ! or else — if I but lift this hand, 
I'll heave the Gods, the ocean, and the land — 
I'll ■ 

Juno. Do great things truly. 

Min. Father, 'tis a shame — 

Vul. Ladies, be quiet, you are both to blame. 
What are the Greeks or Trojan fools to you ? 
Vex not old Jove, you'll catch it if you do. 
Look at this shoe, which but too well declares 
How he served me when I was in my airs. 

AIR, Vulcan, Tune, " Jack at Greenwich." 

We Gods one day got fresh, d'ye see, 

Confusion was our notion ; 
Old Pluto swore he'd rule the sea, 

And Neptune kept the ocean : 
Apollo's lyre old Bacchus play'd, 

And did it pretty middling ; 
While I left off my blacksmith's trade, 

And caper'd to his fiddling. 

* Two gentlemen, well known on the Surrey side of the Bridges. 



11 



We black-ball'd Order, sung Old Rose, 

Till Jove, unseen, advancing, 
Kick'd Poll, pull'd Pluto by the nose, 

And, damme, spoiPd my dancing, 

CHORUS. 

His dancing, his dancing, his dancing, his dancing, 

Kick'd Poll, pull'd Pluto by the nose, 
And spoil'd poor Vulcan's dancing. 

Mom. Repeat no grievances. 

VuL Why yes, 'tis wrong ; 

Shall we be merry, Jove — the day prolong, 
In feast ambrosial, and in jovial song? 

Jup. Aye, let Apollo play, while Muses round 
Sing till Olympus echo with the sound. 



AIR AND CHORUS. 

Tune, " Country Club." 

VuL Since we're all met together, 

In spite of wind and weather, 
To moisten well our clay, 

Motnus. Before we think of jogging, 

Let's of Nectar take a Hogging- - 
Pretty Ladies, don't say nay. 

Min. 4tl Nay, for my part, Madam Venus, 

If there's any strife between us, 
Mars. Make a ring and fight it out 

Cho.. Make a ring and fight it out. 

Jup. Order, order, and sobriety I 

The rules of the society, 

Let the secretary read them out. 

Momus. (reads.) " If any immortal refuses to- 
Bac. Psha ! rules are of no Use to us. 
Momus. D'ye think so % Why then- 
Here's to you, Mr. Spriggins, &c. &c. 



12 

Jup. That's right, a friendly song— now then ad- 
vance, 
And aid our chorus with as kind a dance. 



AIR, Momus. 

Tune, " Hunting the Hare." 

Gods and Goddesses, why grow political 1 

Mortal squabbles are nothing to us. 
You may Ilion your favourite city call— (to Venus.) 
You for Greece make a rumpus and fuss — (to Minerva.) 
She, I'll engage her, 
Will lay any wager 
On Troy, while on Greece t'other takes the long odds ; 
But if interfering 
Should come to my hearing, 
I'll send you to Coventry, far from the Gods. 

CHORUS. 

Then jocund Silenus, 
And Phcebus the genus, 
As partners with Venus, 

And Juno advance ; 
Eolus flouting, 

With Mirth-Momus shouting, 
And wise Pallas pouting, 

Shall merrily dance. 

[Dance, and Exeunt. 



13 



SCENE III. 



On one side the Grecian camp — sea and shipping at a 
distance in the centre — walls of Troy on the other — 
sentinel on duty, walking up and down — Ther sites 
discovered smoking his pipe m the sentry box — 
soldiers asleep-— the stage is dark-'-the curtain rises 
to the symphony of 

MEDLEY DUETT, Thersites & Centinel. 

Ther. With my pipe in one hand, and my firelock in t'other, 
Cent. I'm come with the Grecians to Troy ; 

Ther. Where you've heard of young Paris, he fell in 

Love with another man's wife ; 
Her ladyship's name it was Helen, 

Like Venus she look'd to the life. 
Her husband a surly curmudgeon was, 

Tho' he of blood royal was born ; 

Cent. The thing that he most took in dudgeon, was 
Her drinking his health in a horn. 

Ther. With Priam, Hector, Laocoon, iEneas, and Anchises, 
With Paris, who's a Dandy lad, altho' his dad so wise is. 

Cent . But when the fight's begun, 

And you're serving at your gun, 

Should any thoughts of these come o'er your mind. 
Think only should the town be won, 

Ther. How they'll stick up their houses with holly, 

And broach a tub 

Of humming bub 
For all that come to the rub a dub, dub, 
So neighbours let's all be jolly. 

Chorus of Greek Soldiers, who suddenly awake. 

We'll stick up our houses with holly, 
We'll broach a tub, &c. &c. 



14 



Ther. Sung like true Grecians — 

Cent. Aye, master Thersites, and so we've sung 
Before these walls, ten years— 

Ther. Do hold your tongue ; 

Ten years ! and all for what ? 

Cent. That's what I say, 

And all for what ? 

Ther. I'll tell you— 

Cent. Do, sir, pray. 

Ther. Gentlemen, the wife of Menelaus run away 
from him — you know that, I suppose. 

Cent. Yes, but why, marry, tell us that, why did 
she leave her home ? 

Ther. She left her home, because she was too fond 
of going to Paris ; it has been so much the fashion of 
late, that if it isn't speedily discouraged, we shall all 
be left in the same way. 

Cent . And who persuaded her ? 

Ther. Cupid, a little urchin, pert and blind, 
Who plays the deuce with man and womankind. 



SONG. Thersites. 



Oh, talk no more of Emp'ror Nap, 

A greater king is Cupid, 
Who decks the sage with Folly's cap, 

And animates the stupid. 
Of archery he wears the crown, 

The prince of bows and arrows, 
Takes aim at game, and brings them down 

Like woodlarks, cocks, and sparrows. 

Greeks Chorus— With his rumpti iddity, &c. 

BlurT Mars and Jove love's pow'r defies, 

Alcides learn'd to spin, Sirs, 
And Cupid only quits the skies, 

With mortals to begin Sirs. 
When Mrs. Orpheus died, good lack, 

Her spouse e'er he'd renounce her, 
He went to hell to fetch her back, 

But that must be a bouncer. 

Greeks Chorus — With my rumpti, &c. 



15 



Miss Hero too, was hot upon't 

To watch for her Leander ; 
When swimming o'er the Hellespont, 

Love drown'd him like a gander. 
And isn't Paris much to blame, 

By thoughtless Helen undone, 
Who soon will wrap old Troy in flame, 

As sure as Nick's in London. 

Greeks Chorus — With my rurupti, &c. 

Flourish of Trumpets, fte. fyc. 

Ther. To your posts my boys ; here's Agamemnon, 
Nestor, Ulysses, and the Lord knows who — they want 
to bring down the stomach of the hot Achilles, and are 
going to consult on stand aside. 

(Grand march and procession of the Greek 
army, with their ensigns, banners, and 
various symbols — each party headed by 
a Grecian chief— the procession closed 
by the Greek kings, two and two — a 
grand flourish, then last of all, Agamem- 
non as Generalissimo — he sits down on 
the frame of a Catapulta.) 

Agam. Gentlemen, potentates, kings, and princes ; 
I've call'd you here to ask, whether you mane to give 
the Trojans another touch, or whether we shall sind 
orders to the admiral to take us all on board, and lave 
sulky Achilles to carry on the war by himself? — 
Spake, Ulysses. 

Vlys. That mons brogue will ruin aw — ye'll axcuse 
me, general, but gin we dinna gang on wi' a wee bit 
more o' union and brotherhood, ye may be ten years 
mair before the walls, and ten years o' that, and yell 
be no the nearer, than when yer wee bit shippy brought 
ye hither frae yer ain hearth side™ what says auld 
buckie Nestor? 

Nestor. Had I earlier had the honor to have caught 
the eye of the gallant and illustrious general, I should 
have briefly observed, that what I have to say, shall 
be explicitly divided into three specific parts, each 



16 

part into nine laconic sections, and each section into 
twenty-seven concise deductions. 

Ther. Night caps for the generals. 

Ulys. — {Knocks Thersites down with his sceptre.)-- 
Hoot mon, tak that gin ye ken nae better manners. 

Agam. By my soul, that was a knock down argu- 
ment — gentlemen, I had a drame last night, which 

Ther. I'm sure if I had dreamt that two handed 
Highlander from Ithaca would have broke my head, 
I'd have seen Helen at Paris, before I'd have been 
caught here — who are you I wonder ? 

Ulys. Eh mon, dinna ye ken Ulysses? 

Ther. Yes ; you're one of the staff it should seem, 
with a plague to you. 

Agam. Order ! order ! — (horns sound) — Who comes 
here ? 

Ulys. It's Menelaus, the husband o' the wench 
Helen. 

Nestor. And how does the wise Ulysses know that 
before he looks ? 

Ther. He knows him by the horns, to be sure. 



Enter Menelaus. 

Men. O, mighty chiefs, great captains, ye who 
know 
The woeful circumstance of all my woe, 
Who — fire and fury — I'm too mad to tell 
My grief in rhyme, while reason thus forsakes me, 
Therefore — sans rhyme or reason thus it is 
Letters from Doctor's Commons here inform me — 
(Reads.) — Menelaus versus Paris — Damages fifteen 
thousand pounds, reduced by a Jury in the Sheriff's 
Court to as many hundreds. 

Ulys. Quite as muckle as a trip to Paris is worth. 

Men. Then I'll have other vengeance. 

(A trumpet heard.) 

Agam. What now ? 



17 



Enter an Officer 



Officer. So please you— Hector, preceded by an 
escort of new-invented cavalry, approaches and asks 
permission by a flag of truce to see the Generalissimo. 

J gam. As many as are of that opinion, say aye ; 
on the contrary side, say no — the ayes have it — admit 
him, horse and all. (Flourish.) Och blood and 
nouns, what's this? 

(Music— a corps of velocipedes hearing 
lances and little flags, gallop smartly 
round the stage, form in line, salute the 
assembly, and then lower their lances to 
Hector, who enters, superbly armed, 
and hows to Agamemnon, fyc. who all 
rise and salute him in the modern mili- 
tary style.) 

J gam. Came you from Troy ? 

Hector. From Paris by the way— — 

Thers. Of Dover ? 

Agam. Peace — well, what have you to say ? 

Hector. Hear me, true Grecian Greeks, not Greeks 
like those, 
Who in Pall Mall, make pigeons of their foes — 
No, nor such Greeks as Cam and Isis own 
In gowns and trencher caps. 

Agam. Let them alone, 

And in two words explain. 

Hector. "Tis an affair 

Of honour— Menelaxis, are you there. 
A word in private — if you don't think the damages 
sufficient, I beg you'll appoint a gentleman on your 
part to meet me on the part of Colonel Paris, of the 
Rifle corps, to name time, place, and weapons. 

Menelaus. Major Aj ax, of the Rocket corps, will 
settle the hour, arms, and spot, day-light, moon-light, 
or star-light, Greek fire, small sword or battering 
ram, Hyde-Park, Chalk-Farm, or Kensington gravel- 
pits. 

D 



18 



Hector, Or— sure the Gods inspire the glorious 
thought, 
What say you to a twenty-foot roped ring 
In sight of either army ; we can bring 
Seconds and bottle-holders. 

Menelaus. Be it so. 
But don't you think him rash in meeting me. 

Hector. Why, it's certainly taking the bull b^ the 
horns, but as you brought him to the King's Bench 
Court, he means in turn to get your nob in Chancery. 
(J loud.) Kings, Lords, and Commons, 'tis resolved 

to make 
A purse for a fair scratch ; and I shall stake 
My four to one on Paris. 

Menelaus. Would he were here— 

Agam. (coming forward.) O, no, the Magistrates 
might interfere — 
Say Wormwood Scrubs, or Hounslow. 

Hector. Let's withdraw, 

-And only let the fancy in the secret— with 
Some few Corinthians, after we can dine 
At ' (whispers). 

Agam. No — the Champion sells better wine, 
March to my tent — we'll settle matters there : 
Ulysses and ould Nesror shall repair 
And oiace more ask Achilles to shake hands, 
If not, inform him that his lord demands 
The little Dandyzette he calls his prize : 
Aye, and will have her — Gineral Hector, come 
Dine at our mess, while we, by beat of drum, 
Will toast ould Priam and the Trojan ladies, 
And talk of pace-— 

Hector. Nay that will be as well 
Discuss'd hereafter — at 

Ulys. Aix-la-Chapelle. 

Agam. Agreed, set forward lads, and let me see 
You minstrels, what shall our finale be ? 



19 

THERSITES* 

Composed by Bishop— Words by Mister D. 

All the Gods and Goddesses appear on one side encou- 
raging and discouraging the Greeks in the 

PARODY AND CHORUS. 

Achilles now within his ship 

May sour and sulky bt, 
And gloom and glump with pouting lip 

And sullen majesty. 
The Greek fire lurks that's doom'd ye ken 

Yon city to annoy — 
Uprouse ye then, my merry, merry men, 

You'll soon subdue Old Troy. 

Chorus — Uprouse ye, &c* 

Till then may Priam safely sleep, 

And Paris pass the hour, 
While winking tapers faintly peep 

From Lady Helen's bower. 
The pass word from the walls we ken, 

Those walls we must destroy, 
Uprouse ye then, my merry, merry men, 

And end the Siege of Troy. 

Chorus— Uprouse ye, &c. 

Nor wife, nor children own we now, 

Left on the Grecian shore, 
On yonder waves see many a prow 

With myrmidons good store. 
Our camp is but a gloomy den, 

Yet let not that annoy, 
Uprouse ye, Greeks, ye merry, merry men, 

And soon we'll sack Old Troy. 

Chorus— Uprouse ye, &c. 



END OP THE FIRST ACT, 



ACT II 



SCENE I. 

The Tent of Achilles— the Sentinels parading before 
it — the stage dark — gets lighter by degrees. 

Enter Chryseis and Briseis, meeting. 

Chrys. Briseis ! sister ! I've such news. 

Bris. And I 

Have news for you, dear sister. By the bye. 
How came you here, where ev'ry thing so still is ? 
This is the tent. 

Chrys. I know it. 

Bris. of Achilles, 

To whom I'm prisoner sister ; and they say 
That you are sent to — 

Chrys. Fetch you hence away. 

The chaise is waiting, child. 

Bris. It may be so. 

But wait or not wait, sister, I shan't go, 

Chrys. That we shall see, old gentlemen ! what ho ! 

Enter Ulisses, Nestor, Thersites, and Greek Chorus 
of Guards, 

Vlis. Now damsel, whar's the mon o'war? 

Bris. Within, and won't be seen— for he remembers 
well 
The trick you play'd him, sir, when he was drest 
In pretty Deidamia's silken robes, 
Sent there by Thetis, his mamma, for fear, 
Shou'd he be brought here to the Trojan war, 
Some accident might happen. 

Chrys. Sister, for shame you know 
An accident did happen too, or else 
Master Achilles woudn't be at school 
So near the camp, 

Nes. Why that was archly said, 
Ulysses went most properly disguised. 



21 



Ulys* Like a north country pedlar—but my tapes 
And ballads he despised, and when he saw 
A gallant Highland broad-sword I had bought 
Of an au'd serjeant o' the forty-second, 
And a round ancient target worn lang syne 
At famed Culloden or at Bannockburn, 
He snatch'd them, and then put himsel on guard, 
And cut and slash'd, and made such whirry wha, 
That aw' the Leddies run awa for fear, 
And so I brought him tul the Siege o' Troy, 
'Spite o' his mither's fear, and I must see him 
Fn spite o' ye my lassie. 

Nes. Aye we must, 
So tell us where to find him, Miss, and quickly, 



Thersites entering from the Tent, 

There he sits within, so sulky, that unless you give 
him a gentle serenade, you'll never get him out. 



AIR AND CHORUS. (Soldier tired). 

Air, Briseis. Chrysies and Greeks. 

Achilles tired We've enquired, 

Ti i red He's inspired, 

Ti i red And he's fired 

Of wars alarms, By thy bright charms. 

Forswears / Well who cures, 

The clang That's a twang, 

Of Trojan arms, 'Tis in thy arms 
And scorns the Grecian shield, He idly loves to yield. 

He scor o o— o And sulky in 

O o -o o o His tent he sits, 

O— — o- -o o o And fumes and frets, 

O— — o -o o o By starts and fits, 

O'r — o — —o o o And calls his servants 

O o o o o All to bits, 

O o o— — o o And frightens people 

O o o- o o From their wits, 

Over the Grecian shield, And but to thee he'll yield, 



22 



Chrysies, 

But — if the brazen 
Trumpet sound, 

So o o nd 

So o o nd 

So — — o o nd 

He'll at his post 
Again be found, 
And brave 
The field. 

He'll a — 

A a a- 

A a a- 

A a a 

A a a- 

A — — a- — a- 

A a a- 

A a a- 

A a a- 



At his post 
Once more be found, 
And brave 
Again the field. 



Brisies and Chorus, 

Ran la ran ta ran tar, 

Ran la ran ta ran ta'r, 

Ran ta ran ta ran ta ra ra ra. 

He'll leather Heetor I'll be 

bound, 
We'll back him 'gainst the field. 
We'll back him 
'Gainst the field. 
He'll thump and bump, 
And bump and stump, 
And box with knocks 
As hard ai rocks, 
And thrust so fierce 
With carte and tierce, 
And thump, bump, 
Lump, stump, 
Box, knocks, 
Blocks, rocks, 
Thrust, fierce, 
Carte, tierce, 
And make the Trojans yield. 



Enter Achilles from the Tent, in his Morning Gown. 



AchiL Pless us, pless us, what serenades, and 
noises, and caterwauling is among you — is the tefil 
broke loose. 

Nest. Worse, great Achilles, worse ; but first of all 
you've heard the tragic issue of the fight ? 

AchiL What fight, hur has tone with fighting. 

Ulys. Hoot mon, ha ye no heard o' the match 
'twixt the guid mon Menelaus and the lad Paris 1 

AchiL Hur has heard nothing. 

Thers. Then here's a full, true, and particular ac- 
count — I bought it has I left the field. First round, 
shook hands, shew'd play, sparr'd and did nothing- 
three to one on Paris. Second round, Paris went in 
gaily, fetch'd him a facer, and stopp'd a return of 
compliment with his left hand— six to one on Paris. 



23 



Third round, Menelaus rallied, found his opponent's 
bread-basket, queer'd his left peeper, hit him to the 
ropes — bets altered, Menelaus made play. Fourth 
round, set Paris piping, a flimsey to a filbert on 
Menny. Fifth round, better and better ; Paris floor'd 
like a mere silk jacket, Menelaus an ugly customer — 
Bank of England to a button, Paris not in time, and 
Menny -'champion of Greece. 

Greeks. Huzza ! 

AMI. And what is this to me, look you ? — the one 
is a cuckold, and the other a Dandy, and I wou'd not, 
as an officer and a gentleman, carry a message from 
either-— passion of hur soul. 

Ulys. Aye, but it's no the worst, as you'll hear, 
gin ye ha patience. 

AMI. Don't tell me of patience, nothing can be 
worse than that peggarly knafe Agamemnon, whose 
coxcomb I will preak, wanting to rob me of my lawful 
prize taken in pattle there, my pretty Priseis, look 
you. 

Nest. But when you hear that, Hector, who was 
second to Paris. 

Ulys. Was afterwards challenged by yer ain dear 
friend, Patroclus, who was second to Menelaus, and 
had put on your gloves. 

Nest. And that Hector flnish'd him in such a 
style 

Thers. That stiff'ning Dick left nothing for the 
Coroner to do but bring in a verdict of justifiable 
homicide. 

AMI. Passion of hur heart — ods splutter — by 

St. Taffy — Phinlimmon and Penmaenmaur, it shall 

go hard put hur will give Mr. Hector such a trubbing 

as shall last him another ten years — Patroclus kilFd ! 

Well, well, we shall see — Bring my helmet, look you, 

and my shield, and my sword, and spear, and lance, and 

bow and arrow, and I don't know what myself. Come, 

come, comraigs, we must make haste, and hurries and 

come ; come, take it cool, and take that, look you — 

(Kicks Ther sites and the sentinels, and 

goes into his Tent followed by the 

Greeks.) 



24 



Ther. Well, I'm sure you'd better keep you, 
knocks for Hector ; lie knows how to give you change 
for 'em. 

Bri. And what am I to do ? 

Chry. You re to go with me, sister. 

Bri. And who's to take care of us? 

Ther, Why, bless you're pretty little hearts, J 
will [takes one under each arm.) your papa is a clerical 
gentleman, I believe, 

Bri. Yes, Priest of Apollo, and, — 

Chry. Lives at the great temple over the water. 

Bri. Keeps the sacred bow and arrows] 

Thir. Aye, fine sport in the shooting season, and 
a rare living, I warrant a pretty rectory for the jolly 
old incumbent, parish of Apollo, cum Phoebus, cum 
Smintheus, cum Solis, &c. &c. and only poor Peter 
Pegasus, the curate, to do all the business. We'll be 
off by the steam-boat— it's now about his dinner time, 
and as I prefer the beginning of a feast to any part of 
a fray, I'll have the honour of seeing you to the old 
gentleman's eating parlour. 

Bri. And who knows but Achilles may call in 
the evening. 

Chry. And if Agamemnon should pop under 
his arm, 

Ther. You'll make a snug party quarre at the 
whist table, while the Doctor and I try a hit at 
backgammon by a good fire and a bowl of rack punch, 
worth all Troy town put together. 

Chry. But my pappa speaks such beautiful pure 
Greek you won't be able to understand him. 

Ther. Speaks Greek, so do I. 

Bri. Let's hear you. 

Ther. (sings, accompanied.) 

Ning, Chew, nong poning, ning nong hay, 
Ning, Chew, nong poning, ning nong hay, 
Ching chick a ching, chick a ching, chit quaw 
Ching chick a ching, chick a ching, chit quaw 
Ladies. He woudn't understand a word you say 

With your chink a chink, chick a chink ching? 
chit quaw. 
All three. Chick a chink, chink a chick, &c. &c. 



25 



Ther. There's one thing I hope you'll under- 
stand. 

Chry. And what's that? 

Ther. I'm in love with both of you— to des- 
peration, dam'me. 

TRIO.— Air— ■" Atwood." 



Ther. 


Only mind, be but kind, 
You shall find, I'm inclined 

To adore you, as long as I exist. 


Bri. 


What a lad 


Chry. 
Thtr. 

Bri. 


Sure he's mad. 

E'ent you glad 
That you've had 

Such a very merry Lover in your list, 

O dear no. 


Ther. 


May be so, 
Yet 1 know 



Chry. You may go 

Far enough, ere by either you'd be missed. 

Bri, So pr'ythee nay, walk away, 
Else you may rue the day. 

Ther. Well, I'm off pretty maid, if you insist. 

Chry. Tisn't you — he's meaning me. 

.Bri. That, madam, we shall see, 

Is't my sister, sir, or me you chuse f 

Ther. Why your sister's very well, 
Yet if I the truth must tell. 
I can neither sweet girl refuse. 

How can I 

Make reply, 

When each eye 

Looks so sly ? 

Both. Then our company pray excuse. 
Ther. Nay never mind, Ladies. Nay never mind, 

Be but kind, Be but kind, 

You shall find We shall find 

I'm inclined. He's inclined. 

All. By and bye one or other lass to chuse. \ Exeunt. 

E 



26 



SCENE II. 

Helen's Boudoir in the City of Troy, furnished with 
all the luxuriance of Classic elegance, $c. ftc. 

Enter Helen and Nurse. 

Helen, Now, my dear Nurse, is Paris corning? 

Nurse. Don't — dear me, lady Helen, you have so 
many strange vagaries, I'm ashamed of them — go to, 
I say. 

Helen. Go to, indeed ! why you're worse than the 
Nurse in Romeo and Juliet; she could be coax'd into 
a good humour — but thou art the most impenetrable 
cur that ever kept with men. 

Nurse. I kept with men! I scorn your words, lady ; 
when did'st thou ever know me leave my husband in 
a hackney coach, and run away with a Dandy, who 
had changed domino's with him. 

Helen. Aye, there thou touch'd me nearly — how did 
I know they had changed domino's, and what could I 
do, dear Nurse ? 

Nurse. You made a pretty week's work of it, that's 
certain. 

Helen. I think I did, if you go to that. 

AIR, Helen.— {Tune, " Lady's Diary".) 

Lectur'd by husband Monday night, 

Tuesday I found him still more jealous ; 
Resolv'd on Wednesday to act right, 

And never listen to the fellows. 
Thursday we went to the review, 

Beheld a youth, whose note Nurse carries ; 
And thus 'twas ail along wi* you, 

I first fell in love with Captain Paris. 

Friday, poor Hubby in a rage 

Talk'd loud of love, respect, and duty; 
The Captain next, from Cupid's page, 

Stole each kind word to praise my beauty. 
Went to Vauxhall and stopp'd till day, 

O'er his rack punch my husband tarries ; 
And Saturday neon I run away, 

Deceiv'd by Vi idress, with Captain Paris, 



27 



Nurse. Fie on't !— what an example to give me ! 

Helen. Yes ; and if the captain had not given you 
a fifty pound Bank of England note into the bargain, 
I shouldn't have had the honour of your company. 
But see, my Paris comes, and looks as if ■ 

Nurse. As if he had got a thrashing — oh ! may such 
purple tears be ever shed by single men, who steal 
their neighbour's wives. [Exit. 

Helen. Well said, madam Joseph ! moral to the 
last; but I'll observe my hero — see, he bleeds — ah — 
no — 'tis but his nose, thank fortune. 

(Retires as Paris enters, musing, ivitli a black eye.) 

Paris. I was planet struck, certainly — to be beat 
by a fellow of no mark, no skill — I shan't be able to 
shew my face at Cribb's, nor at Almack's, nor the 
Fives' Court, or any other fashionable assembly — 
and what the devil will Helen say 1 

Helen. He's agitated — I'll try to sooth him with 
some consoling and appropriate strain, (sings loudly.) 

" None but the brave deserve the fair/' 

Paris. Ha ! said'st thou Helen ? 

Helen. No, I only sung — Oh Paris, Paris ! where- 
fore art thou Paris ? 

Paris. I would I had been Lyons for thy sake — at 
least in the battle. 

Helen. Can it be that thou wert kick'd, my love ? 

Paris. Nay, name it not, for kicking is a custom 
more honour'd in the breech, than the observance. 

Helen. I'll not believe 't — the fellow must have 
fibb'd. 

Paris. He did, most damnably, and floor'd me too ; 
Oh, had'st thou seen this head in chancery— 
This — but — no more o' that, no more o' that. 

Helen. Indeed, I think you've had enough; my love. 

Paris. But see, my brother Hector comes to chide ; 
Oh, for a swift Velocipede, on which 
I might escape his anger — Dear, dear Nell, 
Would it were bed time, love, and all were well. 



28 



Hector enters, and starts back at the approach of 
Paris. 

Hector. Advance quite out of sight, let Helen hide 
thee ; 
Thy bones are useless, and thy blood is cold ; 
Thou hast no skill for parrying in those eyes,' 
Thy foe has blacken'd. 

Helen. O, foT pity's sake ! 

Hector. What man dare, thou should'st ; 
And if this lady's deeply injured duck 
Approach' d thee like the rugged ruffian Bill, 
The arm'd Mendoza, or the late Dutch Sam, 
Or Ward, or the tight Irish boy, thy nerves 
Shou'd not have shaken — be alive again, 
And dare him to the Fives' Court with thy skill; 
If, trembling, you decline it — I protest thee 
The baby of a girl — hence, shadow, hence ; 
Mockery of manhood, hence. — (Exit Paris.) — St>, 

being gone, 
I know what I've to do. — (aside.) 

Helen. You're monstrous critical, and too severe ; 
I wonder who the dickens sent you here, 
To huff and browbeat people's husband's thus ? 

Hector. Call him not husband ; has he not prophan'd 
The awful name ? — The villain ! — to make love 
To one engag'd — Oh ! Helen, only hear — 
Hear, and reward a real lovers' suit, 
And one who dares all may become a man.--(kneels.) 

Andromache Enters, with Astyanax. 

And Who dares do more, is none. 

(touching his shoulder.) 
Hector. My wife — so, so. 
And. So, so ; indeed it is so, so, methinks ; 
Yes, I may sit and sew, sew, sew, all day, 
When thou can st leave thy boy Astyanax, 
Thy little boy, and me, thy lawful, married, real 
wife, 
* For such a madam. 

Hectof. Keep the peace, I charge thee; 
Here come our father Priam, Hecuba, 
And mad Cassandra. 



29 



Helen. Something of consequence— if it's material, 
sir, 
I can look in again. 
And. You come not here again. — (flourish.) 
Hector. O, silence, see — 

Enter Priam, Hecuba, and Cassandra. 

Why does my father weep ? 

Priam. The postman, he 
Who thrice a day brings letters, and at night 
Rings the last bell, my son, hath brought thee this. 

Hecuba. Disastrous tidings — O ! unpleasing news, 
Cassandra. 

Hector. Yet, methinks he might 
Have paid the postage ; mother, be not sad, 
I wouldn't have the matter get abroad ; 
'Tis but a mortal challenge from Achilles, 
Because I mill'd his favourite Patroclus. 

A?id. (apart to Astyanax.) A challenge ! run to 
Bow-street, dearest boy, 
Sweetest Astyanax make haste. 

Asty. And when 
I am in Bow-street, what am I to do ? 

And. An officer you'll bring, my love, or two, 
To bind your father over to the peace. 

Asty. It must be a strong piece to hold him then j 
I go — and it is done — and Lavender, 
Or daddy Townsend will I quickly bring, 
To end a gentle mother's fears — good bye. [Exit. 

Hector, (coming forward with the others.) I will not 
be persuaded — I will fight. 

Cass. Then mark the end on't. 

Helen. Which end, Cassandra ? 

Cass. Peace, thou truant wife; avoid me— -you — 

(brings Hector forward.) 
You, who like the rest despise 
Cassandra's warnings, who, with success puff'd up, 
Think ne'er to fall. To-day, if thou unarm thee not, 

shalt be 
Dragg'd at the heels of fierce Achilles' tandem, 
Thrice round our walls. 

Hector. I'll fight him ne'ertheless. 



30 



He&uba. Remember Caesar, when his empress 
dream'd, 

And warn'd him e'er the Ides of March were o'er. 
Hector. Mother, thou'rt mad. Of Caesar talk no 
more ; 

He did not live till after Troy was burnt, therefore 

Caesar's not born yet. Sister, pray be cool. 
Cas. I'm sure I read it when I went to school. 

Well, then, I dream'd myself. 
. Hector. Then dream no more. 

Must we stand dreaming here all night ? Set on. 
Priam. Thy father asks thee."| 
Hecuba. And thy mother too. I Arn 1 
And. Thy wife entreats thee. > AUKneel - 
Cas. See thy sister Sue. J 

Hec. I have no sister Sue. I will not hear. 

To me my country only doth appear 

As father, mother, wife, and sister too ; 

Therefore, whatever you may say or do, 

I say 

Re-enter Astyanax. 

Asty. {in a loud voice.) The Bow-street officers — 
aha ! aha ! 
Townsend was absent at the Bag of Nails, 
But they've sent Lavender. 

Priam, {sniffling.) Scent Lavender, that's good. 

Lavender (entering.) That's me. 

Asty. Yes, they've sent Lavender. 

Vickery (entering.) And Vickeree. 

Hector. Vickery's famed for scent too ; he kills bears 
In street of Tavistock. 

Tick. Vickery declares 

Thou dost mistake him, sir, and you must go 
Not to the street of Tavistock, but Bow. 

Hector, (apart to both, leading them solemnly for- 
ward.) Not if I tip ? 

Lav. (apart to him.) The rash attempt forbear. 
A Bow-street officer is but a man ; 
Yet man has feelings, tho' a rough outside 
Denote my calling. Would'st thou rank me with 



31 



Qui-tam attornies, money-traps, and duffers ? 
No, by my honour, which is yet my own. 

Vick. And by my honour, too, which yet is mine. 

Lav. Not fifty flimsies — 
Vick. No, nor fifty-five — 

Lav. Shall tempt me to allow one man alive 
To own he bought the faith I basely sold; 
Not even if the Bank would pay in gold. 
My honour's dear. 

Hector. Too dear. Lookout— see there ! 
Ha? ha! ha! ha! 

{While tliey look one way, he runs off 
the other. 

Lav. Deceived ! damnation ! {following.') 

Vick. {stopping him.) Brother, let's start fair. 

[Exit, with Lavender. 

Priam. Come, courage, Hecuba ; they may succeed. 

Hecuba, Suppose we help ? I'll try, I will indeed. 

Priam. That's bravely said, my Trojan. Stop him 
there ! 
Stop thief! — and nay, as Vick said, let's start fair. 

[Flourish — they march off. 

Helen (to Cassandra.) Sister-in-law, I take it most 
unkind, 
That you shou'd mention my elopement. 

Cass. You ! 

D'ye think I lack the gift of second sight 
So much, as not to know your fortune? No, 
Too well I see it. 'Tis our land's disgrace 
Run- away wives shou'd meet encouragement. 
Allow'd divorce, you marry your misleaders. 
Shame on the custom ! And then what ensues ? 
Abated fondness, peevish jealousy, 
Ill-temper'd looks, and bitter recollections ; 
Till the soft tinted waxen mask ye wear 
Of fancied love and transports insincere, 
Melted by passion's fire, shews face and mind 
In their true colours : then disgust and hate 
Strike daggers, well deserv'd, to either heart, 
And prove that e'en repentance comes too late. 

(Helen bursts into tears.) 



32 



Enter Paris, armed with how and quiver. 

Paris. In tears, my Helen ! Has thy mad-brain'd 
zeal dared to ' 

Cass. Away ! I know thee too — thou— what shall I 
call thee? Thou art lower than what my mind pro- 
phetic tells me, a nation yet unborn will call a Dandy. 
Your ancestors were strong, could carry arms, but — 
(sings) 

•' You're a frog in an opera hat, 
" Heigho! says Rowley." 

Paris. Rowley be d — d ! 

Cas. Go, get thee to a madhouse — go, for all thy 
tribe are lunatics. Ye strut and stare, and would 
alarm the modest, were ye less insignificant. Away ! 
I know ye — to a madhouse go ; for, as a future Bard 
will truly say, ye amble, ye lisp, ye nickname hea- 
ven's creatures, and are no more like men than I to 
Hercules. Go ! I've heard of your patchings, your 
paintings, your copper heels and stays. For shame ! 
to a madhouse — go, go, go ! 

Paris. A flourish, trumpets — strike alarum, drums ! 

Cass. Drums ! Rattles ! Dandy-horses ! Go, go, go ! 

[Exit. 

Paris. Nay, heed her not ; I shall redeem my repu- 
tion : yet Achilles is only vulnerable in the heel, and 
if he, as she says, don't wear copper boots, the first 
time he turns his back 

Helen, {aside.) And have I left my husband for a 
man who waits till his enemy has turn'd his back ? 

Paris. What said you, love? Her words don't 
point at you. 

Helen. I wou'dn't mind 'em, but they are too true. 

DUET. 

Paris. Pretty Helen, 

When I fell in 
Lore with you, was I to blame ? 

Helen, Mister Paris, 

When one marries, 
Shou'd one own a second flame ? 



83 



Parts. Dearest Helen, 

You look well in 
Every thing I've seen you wear; 
By your beauty- — — 

Helen. Tis my duty 

Never more to bear you swear. 

Paris. If married fellows 

Will be jealous, 
And a lady's chirms despise. 

Helen, Wives should never, 

How-sum-dever, 
List to fools, if they he wise. 

Paris. Tho' it grieve me 

Much to leave thee, 
One kind kiss before we part. 

Helen. Not another 

To my brother 
Would I give. 

You break my heart. 



Paris. 

Both together. 



i Yet if we part, 

(Twill break my heart.* [Exeunt- 



SCENE III. 

An open place near the City— alarms. 

Enter Thersites. 

Ther. There they are, all at it, Trojans and Grecians, 
pell-mell — and I to be such a fool as to mix in the 
fight. Hector and Achilles are battling, ding dong. 
They do say, that some of the gentlefolks from above 
are taking part on both sides; Mars helps Hector, 
and Minerva Achilles. For my part, if I engage with 
a celestial, I'd rather have a bout with Venus, than 
the best among 'em ; and she's in the field too. Ods- 
boddikins ! they're coming ! 

* This Duett is occasionally omitted. 

F 



u 



Hector enters fighting with two Greeks whom he beats 
off 

Hector. Come forth Achilles, come thou hot brain'd 
Greek, 

Hector is hoarse with daring thee to arrns^ 

Enter Diomede. 

Dio. What says my brother ? 

Hector. A horse ! a horse ! my birthright for a 
horse. 

Dio. Below yon wheelwrights shed, 
Stands a true dandy, swifter than the wind. 

Hector. Slave ! I have set my life upon a cast 
And I will stand the hazard of the die. 
A horse ! a horse ! my birthright for a horse. 

(Enter Paris on a Velocipede with a party.) 

Paris. Here's half a dozen — on'em, charge I — 
follow! [Exit. 

Hector. Draw, Paris, draw your arrows to the head, 
Spur your proud courser hard, and ride in blood, 
Hang out our banners on the outward wall, 
King the alarm bell, blow wind, come rain, 
At least we'll die with harness on our backs. [Exit. 

Alarms — enter Achilles fighting with two Trojans 
whom he beats off. 

Achi. I think there be ten Hectors in the field, 
Nine have I killed to day, instead of him ; 
If he be slain and with no stroke of mine, 
My friend Patroclus ghost will haunt me still, 
Who's there ? 

Thersites {entering.) 

Ther. 'Tis I, my lord, the early village cock. 

Achi. Liar and slave ! — Where's Hector, sirrah ? 

Ther. There. 

His horse is slain, and all on foot he fights, 
Seeking your worship in the throat of death. [Exit. 



35 



AchiL Cut short all intermission — front to front 
Bring but this scurvy Trojan and myself; 
Within my sword's length set him — if he 'scape me— 
We'll muster men — my counsel is my shield — 
We must be brief when Hector braves the field. 

[Exit. 
Battle continues, Mars and Venus mingle 
in the fight, Venus is wounded and Mars 
put to flight. 

Re-enter Hector on the other side. 

Hector. Give me another horse — bind up my 
wounds ! 
What wounds ? I have none yet — and see, behold 
Achilles here ! Turn, tyrant, turn — 

Re-enter Achilles. 

Of one or both of us the time is come. 

(they stand in attitude. 

AchiL With all my heart. 
Thy gallant bearing, Hector, I cou'd 'plaud, 
But you kill'd poor Patroclus, and must die. 

Hector. Nor shou'd thy fame, Achilles, want my 
praise, 
But you've no business here, and out you go. 

AchiL This for my friend. 

Hector. This for thy wooden horse. 

(they fight and pause. 

AchiL Thou losest labour. 
Let fall thy blade on vulnerable crests. 
My mother dipp'd me in the River Styx — 
I bear a charm'd life, 
And not a Trojan born can harm Achilles. 

Hector. Despise thy charm, 
Thy foolish mother held thee by the heel, 
Which, when thou run'st away, as soon thou wilt — 

AchiL No — I will not yield, 
Tho' fifty Hectors came from fifty Troys, 



sc 



Still would I try the last, lay on my Buck— 

Hector. And d — d be he who fears a Grecian's 
luck. [Exeunt fighting.] 

( Venus, Mars, Diomede, &c. fight, and off.) 



Re-enter Achilles. 

Achil. Hector's past hectoring, he is no more ; 
Go drag him at my warlike chariot wheels, 
While I thus thank the fortune of the war. — {kneels.) 

Paris enters, and shoots an arrow in his heel. 

Paris. There is a spur my old invulnerable. 
Achil. Ah, traitor! — {they fight off, .)— Rascal ! rap- 
scallion! 



SCENE IV. 

An open place — on one side a statue of Minerva — in 
the centre, an immense Horse — Diomede, ^Eneas, 
and other warriors march round, as if reconnoi- 
tering — they are surprised at the Horse, and make 
a sudden /iaft-r-Paris enters to them. 

Mneas. Paris, thou hast made amends by this day's 
fight, for many of thy faults — our foes have disap- 
peared. 

Paris. Their infantry may, but they seem to have 
left their horse behind. 

Mneas. What can it mean — it bodes some trea- 
chery. 

Enter Thersites. 

TJier. No treachery in life, gentlemen, I give you 
my honour. 

Mneas. And who art thou ? 



37 



Ther. A gentleman, and a Knight of the Shire in 
my own country, simple as I stand here, but because 
I refused that bully Achilles my vote and interest at 
the last election of a parish beadle, he has persuaded 
the Greeks to leave me behind. 

Paris. Like a spy — to be hang'd. 

Ther. No, upon the honour of a myrmidon — that 
horse they left is a sort of talisman — could they keep 
possession of it, they'd take your city, but, if you take 
the horse, why you'll get more than you think of, and 
the plot they have form'd will come to light. 

JEneas. What say you, warriors ? 

CHORUS. 

w To horse ! to horse ! my merry companions all, 
And lift him clean within the City wall." 



Hurried music — Enter Laocoon with a spear— -his 
two Sons with him. 

Laoc. O, wretched countrymen, what fury reigns, 
What, more than madness has destroyed your brains; 
Think you the Grecians from your coasts are gone ; 
And are Ulysses' arts no better known ? 
Some evil is designed by fraud or force, 
Take not their leavings, nor admit the horse ; 
On, if some hollow treachery be here, 
Then may it perish on my pointed spear. 

(Music — he throws his spear, which sticks 
in the side of the Horse — a groan is 
heard, thunder and lightning — two im- 
mense serpents rise from behind the 
Statue of Minerva, attack and encoun- 
ter Laocoon — his sons run to his assist- 
ance, are also encircled, and form the 
celebrated terrific group — Thersites runs 
away — the Trojans kneel to Minerva — 
the group of Laocoon sinks in flames, and 
closes.) 



88 

SCENE V. 

Within tlie Town. 

Enter Thersites, singing. 

Tker. I sing the cave of Polypheme, 
Ulysses made him cry out; 
For he eat his mutton, drank his wine, 
And then he poked his eye out. 

All's right — Minerva has work'd wonders, and now, 
to go and let out from their wooden charger, my 
knights of the Equestrian Order ; it was lucky for me 
mine was an outpost — some one of the inmates got a 
tickler from the spear of that tough Trojan, who, in 
return for the exploit, has been sent on a serpentine 
walk to old Pluto. — Dear, dear — how posterity will 
delight to tell this story. 

AIR, Thersites — Tune, "Drops of Brandy ." 

The Grecians came running to Troy, 

The Trojans came running to meet 'em ; 
'Twill be known to each little school-boy, 

How we Greeks shall horse-jockey and beat 'em. 
No house will for heat be endur'd, 

We'll make 'em too hot for the holders ; 
And jEneas, unless he's insur'd, 

May be off with his dad on his shoulders. 

Rumti iddity, &c. &c. [Exit. 



SCENE VI. 

Dark night ; the Horse as within the town. Staccato 
music. Thersites enters with a ladder and a lan- 
thorn, lets the warriors out, and they march si- 
lently off. 



30 



SCENE VII. 

A Trojan street; still dark. : March continued. 
Thersites leads on, and musters his men ; each car- 
ries a torch; Thersites lights them one by one; they 
separate, and go off different ways. As Thersites 
is following, Diomede and iEneas enter and sieze 
him. 

Men. Villain ! confess thy treachery. 
Ther. I said so — those treacherous Greeks ! 
Diom. Say, or thou diest. (drums beat to arms 

Enter Paris. 

Paris. Waste not your time with him— to arms ! to 
arms ! 
After the battle let the recreant die. 

Men. Why after be it then. Brethren, away ! 
My soul's in arms, and eager for the fray ! 

[Exit, all but Thersites. 

Ther. And mine's as eager, too, to run away. 
I'm very much obliged to you, gentlemen. But where's 
the moral of all this ? I betray the town, and get off 
safe, and 

( Voices without.) Where is that traitor, Thersites ? 
throw him in the flames ! 

Ther. Throw me in the flames ! No ; burn me, if 
you shall (drums and shouts.) There's a party coming 
this way. Oh dear ! oh dear ! By what means shall I 
escape the double fright of fire and sword ? It can 
only be by 

Enter Cassandra, with a silken rope. 

Cas. A halter, gratis— nothing less, for heaven's 
sake ! 

Ther. I hope you're not a prophetess ? 

Cas. A mad one — no one listens to my words— all 



40 



have come true, and nothing now remains for thee and 
me, but this (shewing the rope)-?— Here, here — take it. 

Ther. Oh dear ! I would not deprive you of it for 
the world. 

Cas. Nay, then, thou shalt (seizes him) — yes, thou 
shalt in this hour be my bridegroom. 

Ther. And a pretty true lover's knot you've got for 
me ; but pry thee, why wouldst hang thyself? 

Cassandra. Because Homer says I must ; and 
hark ye, sirrah, if every one like you, who betrays a 
whole people, or like me who have all my life been 
advising fools and scorned for it ; or like the trea- 
cherous serpent who beguiles the innocent virgin, 
and then leaves her to want and wretchedness, the 
monster who undermines a wife's first duty and her 
husband's peace; in short, if all such rogues and 
fools, for all fools are rogues, were but to meet with 
this, what a glorious thing it would be for the 
land we live in. If thou likest not my offer, 
go (shouts). 

Ther. No — that would be out " of the frying pan 
into the fire." 

DUETT — Tune, " Since Laws were made." 

Cass. Since Greece has conquer'd my Daddy and me, 
And you were the cause of the fire mon ami, 
You richly deserve a suspension, d'ye see, 

Upon Tyburn Tree. 

Ther. But some how or other 1 never could bear 
A tight twisted cravat or stock to wear, 
Which would be the death of me quickly, I swear, 

Upon Tyburn Tree. 

Cass. Not a syllable more will I tarry to hear, 
You're mine and I'm your's, it's no use looking queer, 
So come with good grace to our wedding, my dear, 

Upon Tyburn Tree. 

Ther. Good folks then take warning by me I desire, 
And never set nobody's dwelling on fire, 
Lest you get exalted above your desire, 

Upon Tyburn Tree. 



41 



SCENE VIII. 



A magnificent and spacious view in the city,— it is 
seen on fire at the back, and as the combatants come 
forward, the flame seems to pursue them. A general 
battle takes place, the Velocipides are hotly engaged. 
iEneas kills many Greeks; his wife Creusa, his father 
Anchises, and his little son Ascanius, are overpow- 
ered by a Greek band, and about to be sacrificed, 
when iEneas rescues them, throws his father across 
his shoulder, and his wife leading the child, he gal- 
lantly defends all three till off the stage. A great 
s hout of victory is heard, when it thunders, and 
jupiter and all the Gods enter. 

Jupiter. Enough of fire and sword— your wrath 
restraining, 
Too much of this may prove too entertaining. 
Troy I've destroyed to please that angry elf, 

(pointing to Pallas J. 
And 111 restore it now to please myself. 
Quick Phoenix ! Norwich! Sun ! and Hand-in-Hand, 
Bring forth your engines — Patrons understand, 
That if our follies are not past endurance, 
We hope you'll kindly pardon our Assurance. 



Waves his. thunderbolt — Firemen enter 
with engines, which change to pedes- 
tals, with Genii of each Fire-office 
on them—the whole burning city to a 
beautiful allegorical palace of safety 
and the Arts by Insurance— a Ballet 
Hornpipe of Firemen, and a procession 
of all the Warriors, #c. keeps moving 
during the 

G 



42 



FINALE. 

Gib. Masters, all attend 

The moral of our play, 
Morley. Never let a friend 

His neighbour's wife betfay ; 
Leonard. Or Doctors' Commons ding dong, 
May your life annoy, 
Set ev'ry pleasant thing wrong, 
Like the Siege of Troy. 

Doctors' Commons, &c. 

Tker. If some Macaroni 

Near your garden wall, 

Leave a wooden poney, 

Don't take him in at all. 

Cap. For while he's in the stable, 

His master may destroy 

The comforts of your table, 

Like the Siege of Troy. 



For while^ &c 



Helen. Having done our duty, 

We can only pray, 
Bris. Health, and wealth, and beauty, 

With you all may stay. 
Chris. And with merry ding dong, 

May each girl and boy 
Helen. Come and hear our sing song 

Of the Siege of Troy. 



CHORUS. 
And with merry ding dong, &c. 



FINIS. 



Printed by W. Smith, King Street, Seven Dials 



Mr. MILLER has recently published New Editions of the 
following Dramatic Pieces : 



A ROLAND FOR AN OLIVER, a Farce, in Two Acts, by 
Thos. Morton, Esq. Price 2s. 

PERCY'S MASQUE, a Drama, in Five Acts, price 4s. 6d. 
ooards. 

MELO-DRAME MAD; or, THE SEIGE OF TROY, 
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The MARRIAGE of FIGARO, an Opera, in Three Acts. 
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ROB ROY MACGREGOR, an Opera, in Three Acts. 
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The SLAVE, a Musical Drama, in Three Acts. By Thos. 
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DON GIOVANNI, or a Spectre on Horseback ; a Comic 
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Lately Published, 
TWO PAPERS, attributed to the Editor of the Ex-m-r, 
the first, a Theatrical Critique ; the second, an Essay on Son- 
net-Writing, including a Sonnet on Myself. 

H None but himself can be his parallel." 



SEP 25 1945 



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